remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Randomize
