i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
