Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
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