I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
