walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Randomize
