I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Randomize
