Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
where are my eyebrows?
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