apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
Randomize
