I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Randomize
