my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
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