I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
