the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Randomize
