Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
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