If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
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