HIV tests are more positive than that guy
I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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