I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
