totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
