Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
