Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
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