remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
