i don't like sucking hair
Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Randomize
