it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
