why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Acid is not a monday night drug
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
