Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
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