Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Randomize
