My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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