a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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