yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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