I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Randomize
