Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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