Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
Randomize
