Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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