Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
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