omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Randomize
