It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
