Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
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