I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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