Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Randomize
