i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
