On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
