You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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