omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
Randomize
