Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
