If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
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I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
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I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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