You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Randomize
