When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
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He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Randomize