he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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