I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
My vagina just clenched in fear
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
