Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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