There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
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