sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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