if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
Randomize
