I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
