after a month anything with tits is on the radar
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
