If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Randomize
