i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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