Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
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